ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Well I just put wine in my tea
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize