Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm really busy with my period
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