The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
