So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
