i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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