i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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