shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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