Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
