dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
