there's paper in my vomit.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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