i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Text me some of your sweat
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
