the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
