the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
