i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Vodka?
Forever.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
