It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
