I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
