Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
