so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
