Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
