It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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