He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
