The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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