Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
