You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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