In the future we'll all be gay
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
