Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
