i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize