Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
