I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
