Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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