why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
