So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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