I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
