GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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