Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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