i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
