i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
