Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
