That reminds me...we need to get swords
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
