I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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