I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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