Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
