is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize