It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
