i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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