Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's rum buckets o'clock
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
