He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
