There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
