worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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