I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
