me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
