i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
