They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I will be naked everywhere
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
