I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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