nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize