I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
